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OUGH
It would be easier never to speak to her again, to forget about her and take the truce to its natural conclusion. He'd rather not think about any of this again, about the past that she's assigning to him or why the Boss doesn't fit neatly where he should. Maybe it would make Trish happier, too. Wouldn't it be better for her to bury her past as well, to abandon it all and rebuild her life from the ashes?
His head hurts. That knot in his throat persists.
For some reason, what he finds himself typing and sending is the following:]
Do you think I'm doing this on purpose?
Do you think I'm just lying to you? Because I'm NOT, okay?
I don't remember anything from before. I don't really know where I'm from or...
Pretty much ANYTHING that happened before I met the Boss.
I don't have answers for you but I'm not being this way just because I'm stubborn or whatever.
Alright?
Sorry.
:3c also [eyes] at that line about rebuilding from ashes
She can't fathom hating the past so much she doesn't acknowledge any part of it.
No, the past is full of happy memories up until it isn't, and it informs everything about who she is regardless of how she feels about it. So Doppio's entire frame of existence is impossible for her to conceptualize. In Doppio's mind, he has no past until he becomes the underboss. That's all he is and all he wants to be. It's such a small box when she scrolls back to reread his replies, she can see him actively restructuring everything she says in a way he can comprehend in his narrow vision of the world.
He can sit there and believe he and the Boss were always separate people, but she knows that can't possibly be true. Between Polnareff's best guess and Cervo's inception as points of reference, there's nowhere else for Doppio to exist prior except in Solido Naso's shoes.
So his apology is strange, not to mention infuriating. He can't possibly care about upsetting her, especially over something like this, where her feelings matter little in the face of his comfort. If it's true of Diavolo, it ought to be true of Doppio too.]
You're lying to yourself as much as you're lying to me, for a given value of lying.
You can sit there and construct convenient truths forever about why it's perfectly sensible for you to sit in the shadow he casts and never ever stray further, like it's all you ever had and it's all you'll ever need, just like I can sit here and wonder how anyone could possibly live like an appendage and be satisfied.
It drives me mad, really. I've clearly thought much harder about your past than you yourself ever bothered to.
Which means I don't need you to acknowledge any part of this to make what I've learned more real. I know what I was told, and unlike you, she had no reason to lie to me.
So, go ahead.
Live your truth.
Just know it's as flimsy as your spine.
hee hoo hee
[He doesn't understand.
He doesn't understand why she doesn't understand, why she can't see what he's trying to tell her: that they can't be family because he's never had a family, and he's fairly sure most people don't just Start Having One, and he can't help her because the man her mother met couldn't have been him and so it wasn't.
He doesn't understand why it bothers him so much, why his chest feels so tight or why he feels so strongly like he has to salvage this, whatever this is.
He doesn't want to talk about it. He can't talk about it. He can't stop typing.]
I'm telling you what I know, how does *that* make me a coward?
I mean I AM a coward, but not because of this!
Do you know how many people know I don't remember jack shit? Not that fucking many! One of them isn't even here anymore!
Not that it matters because it's okay! I'm okay with it but that's not the point!
I'm not calling your mom a liar either!
FUCK!
no subject
She has evidence. She has lots of it, circumstantial for awhile, and then explicit considering what she witnessed in Felfri. She could see Doppio retreat and Diavolo try to analyze in the same instant, a body trying to act on two whims when they've likely never fought for control at any time because Doppio was always happy to relinquish it.
Happy, but maybe it's just been something they've always done. Maybe there was never just Solido, and Doppio can only remember what happened after he met the boss because those memories are solely held within Diavolo's mind. It's weird to think, but she supposes it makes some sense. But then, Diavolo still doesn't fit any part of her mother's recounting. Doppio must have played a role. Just like Cervo plays a role, and Diavolo plays a role.
It makes too much sense for him to be someone who only existed after Sardinia. Unless Sardinia is when they split? She thinks on Polnareff's story, but for something like this...it's just too hard to say.]
It makes you a coward because what you know is only what you've been told.
Do you mean to tell me you never asked for more than the role bestowed upon you? That you never wondered who you were before? Only a coward would be so afraid to know that they'd never look for the answer themselves.
I risked what little I had left to find out what kind of person my father was. I wanted to know where I came from. I'm not happier knowing the ugly truth, but I'm stronger for surviving the trial to get it. If I'd turned away from it, I'm sure I would've only been successful in dying in ignorance, just like he wanted for me from the start.
His words, not mine.
no subject
[Wasn't he? He can barely remember even that.
Is he afraid NOW?There is, again, a significant pause.]
Look, it's not the same thing.
You had a starting point, right? You had your mom growing up and you had what she told you.
[He didn't. Even if he had wanted to look, he wouldn't have known where to start.
And he never wanted to, because it would have been a betrayal at its core.]trish forgetting about her truce to throw a tantrum at Doppio instead
Maybe Doppio's not pretending, but he's very good at ignoring what's right in front of him. He's missing pieces, sure, big ones, but she has thin patience and no interest in closing the gap for him at the moment.
Irritation wins out.]
Your boss.
Your boss is right there.
You tell me how you don't remember anything until you "met him", and somehow he's not a starting point? I know he doesn't care about anything but himself, and I could almost be sympathetic if you were somehow too afraid to ask before coming here. Asking questions got people killed, I recall.
Regardless, I still can't imagine standing there and not goddamn wondering what kind of person I was to get the trust of a man so vile in the first place. Then again, it's got to be exactly because you never stop to think about anything deeper than a puddle that he finds your company so appealing.
Go to hell, Doppio.
WEEPS
Fine.
I don't care.
[For some reason, those words sit in the pit of his stomach more uncomfortably than anything Trish has accused him of lying about.]
It's all over anyway.
Have a good life.
[
He's never had a family.He doesn't need a family.He's never needed anything more than what he already has.So, why is this...?What the hell is he thinking?
This is for the best. If the Boss knew how badly she's fucked with his head, he's not sure even the truce would save her.]